I've had it.

That's it, I'm done, I've HAD it! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm drowning in this, it's stupid, I feel so so SO STUPID! STUPID!

For thoses who don't know, in my last journal, I mentioned my dad. He had a really, really rough spot for about two weeks recently, but he's doing MUCH better now. He's actually back at work again, cracking jokes, and he's fine...fine...

An now my mom.

I don't get this, what's wrong with my family now a days? She's sick. She came home from work early today.

My mom NEVER comes home from work early.

She's the kind of person who, in reality, only has to stay at work until, oh, 4:30, 5:30 at the most. And she comes home at 8 or 9. All the time. And she was home at 2.

She went to the doctor, and they said that she has Vertigo. I don't exactly know what that means, just that it means that she has more fluid in her right ear than her left, it's throwing her off balance and making her really sick, and she can only lie down and watch tv.

I mean, I'm probably WAY over exaggerating how serious it is. They haven't really said when it's supposed to go away, per say either though. And it's just...lots and lots of stress, I suppose. I mean, if these had been seperated by more than a few days, I'd be fine, just a little worried, helping out with chores, blah blah blah. But my aunt is actually here, her sister? And she's helping make dinner, cleaning up, my dad just came home, and I just...don't know what to feel.

I just...can't, i can't anymore. I'm going to go bang on my piano for a while. Maybe that will help get some of this awful feeling out of me. I'll keep anyone who cares posted.

Fuck. I'm so angry at myself right now, I just feel so damn HELPLESS! My dad is going through an absolute HORRIBLE time right now, so bad that he can't even go to work, and what can I do? Give hugs? Say I love you? That's all well and good I suppose, but really? It does NOTHING in the long run! What can I REALLY do to solve this problem? NOTHING! Absolutely fucking NOTHING.

*inhales deeply*So something happened with my dad. I don't know what, and I'm not sure I can handle whatever it was either. All I know is this: he can't go to work. He can't MAKE himself go to work. Even opening an e-mail at home from the office gives him a terrible mirgraine. He's hardly eating, he stays in bed all day, he's terribly depressed all the time, and the best part? He said, BEST case scenario, he'd be able to go back to work by next week.

I mean, can you imagine what this is doing to me? I couldn't go to school today. Sure, I really DO have a sore throat, and I need to save it for the show I'm in, (The Laramie Project as Rebecca Hilliker and a few others), but that's not the reason I stayed home today. I stayed home to watch over him. To make sure he didn't do anything stupid.

It's sick. I mean, what am I REALLY supposed to do? Sure, he's going to the doctor, might get antidepressants, and is seeing a psychiatrist. Those are all wonderful, pro-active things to do about whatever the fuck this is. But I mean, at the same time? WHY?! I'm so angry, I want to cry. The little girl in striped socks trying to fill big, black, scary looking high-heels. That's not saying my mom's doing nothing of course! No, she's doing everything in her power to make sure he's getting up, making food for him, blah blah blah. But at the same time? I feel like she knows whatever this inciting incident is, and thus, has more control over her end of the situation.

And I can do...nothing.

Fuck. And of course, I've got a big paper due Friday, OF COURSE! And I have to write it all tonight, cause God knows I won't have time after or before the show tomorrow.

I think i'm gonna go for a run. Maybe that will make some of this go away.

Alrighty, so here's the deal:

I'm not gonna be able to go on DeviantArt or Facebook until further notice, as my title says. My parents are deadset on the idea that either one or both of the above is corrupting our computer, and thus, I'm forbidden on here. Tonight? They block the websites. SOOOO until I prove them wrong? No DeviantArt. Sorry guys, love you all.

Later.

1. Post these rules.
2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about their self on their journal.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people and post their icons on the same
journal.
4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
5. No tag-backs.

1. K, I perpetually am in a state of having a song in my head. There has never been a time in my concious memory where there hasn't been, and I'm beginging to think, always WILL be. The longest I've had a song stuck in my head was for 3 continuous days. This includes while I was sleeping.

2. The report card that I just got yesterday said that I had a D+ in choir. My teacher is a RETARD because I had her go back and check it, and I really have an A+. Way to go, Mrs. Klippel. Now's she's gotta go through all this paperwork to fix her mistake cause that bloody D is currently on my transcipt. Once again? WAY TO GO.

3.I'm a terrible hypocrite. I'm FANTASTIC at giving other people advice in pretty much every subject, (or so I've been told), but I never seem to be able to apply it to my own life and my own situations. ESPECIALLY when it comes to crushes. I'm ADD, loud, obnoxious, spontaneous, and an all out FREAK when I'm around my friends, (as many people on here can testify), but I'm ridiculously quiet and shy around my crushes. Like now...*bangs head on desk*

4. Instead of watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I restarted my Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask file, and was having a lot of fun doing it all by myself for once, cause my brother usually helps me when I'm stuck. Unforunately, said brother is currently upstairs as I type PLAYING MY FILE THAT I ASKED HIM NOT TO PLAY, so I guess it's ANOTHER one of HIS files.

5. Pretty much any inanimate object I own has a name besides my clothes. My camera is Gregory, my cello is Charles the II, (So that I can just go around saying "Charlie the Cello" cause it's FUN", my piano is Dvorjok, and I'm almost POSITIVE I butchered the spelling on that, but I LOVE to say that name!

6. When I discovered that they closed up the pit and covered it with an actual apron for Smokey Joe's Cafe, (the musical and other show we're doing at my school), I actually teared up a little.

7. I totally JUST realized that this thing deleted all my journal entries from before august 1st of 2008. What a BITCH.

8. One of my fellow cast members today, (who shall remain annoymous) but will simply be refered to as Domino, was being particularly funny why like, half whispering, half singing the word "porn" and harmonizing with Rat-gel, and where doing it for so long and with varying pitches that everyone on stage, (including our director), stop the scene they were doing to stare over at them. They didn't realize it until I nudged them, (cracking up, of course), and were forced to give it up.

AND NAOWS TAGZ PLZ:

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HA HA HA. (but you really don't have to if you don't want to. I really was just exceptionally bored.)

Right. So just in case you live under a rock, or don't live in the United States, America's first black president in all of history, Barack Obama, just got inaugerated.

I mean, the magnitude of this still hasn't fully hit me yet. Not quite sure when it will. I *LITERALLY* just witnessed history. I viewed an event that will writen down in history books for the rest of time, and i'll be able to tell my kids about it too. (My kids WILL be history nerds, just like I am. End of story. ) I mean just...wow. There's not many more words that fit.